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Rambles, ponderings, rants, and nonsense...
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Wednesday, October 13, 2004
Today's entry:
My 2-day midsemester break was too short. I was bored all day yesterday, waiting for my mom in the waiting room just so her surgery process can be completed. She had to remove a lump of fat at her side above her waist, since it was bothering her. I'm glad that that lump wasn't some unfortunate sign of breast cancer or any other cancer, for that matter. But gosh, I feel really bad leaving her all alone today at home, while I'm at school. But she needs the rest and the nourishment of the good old sick-foods like soup, more soup, and water and juice, etc.
I designated this past Monday as the ultimate cleaning day for me. I sorted out my old clothes---discarded the ones I couldn't wear anymore, etc. Plus, I did chores. And now, my side of the room (I have to share with my other 2 sisters, so our room is huge, if it's not too cluttered) feels absolutely empty.
My parents are still house-hunting. *yawn* So I haven't the slightest clue when I'll be moving yet. So far, it's hovering to a place even south-er than where I am now (southeast Houston).
I've finished 4 hours of of watching TV for my child psych project, but I need to add in a children's educational program. Does anyone watch Barney, Sesame Street, or any of that stuff early in the morning? I'd watch it, but I have school, and since I was thrown off-schedule these past 2 days, I wasn't able to watch any. The purpose of this project is to document any deception, aggression, and violence the lead characters use in the TV program.
Okay, you guys, enough of my rambles. You can stop reading from here. LOL. A good day to you all! Happy Wednesday!
P.S. Last night, my car was completely vandalized and robbed, but not nearly as devastating as my 3-4? friends who accompanied me (they drove their own cars as well). Luckily, it was only a dream. My dreams are getting stranger by night and more difficult to decipher by day. Hehe.
1:50 am entry:
Gosh, I hate the night sometimes. Insomnia can also mean deep and depressingly morbid thoughts for me, because my thoughts are way TOO LOUD for my head or ears, even in the silence.
It seems as if I'm always emailing my heart out to a ghost, because I never get any replies back. Go figure. I always feel like I'm not important or worth enough to that person. I guess, even the word "friendship" doesn't exist in that person's vocabulary, and I'm on the verge of giving up trying to make things work. And it always makes me cry with frustration and that pang of heartache just kicks a huge dent at the core of my heart, and I don't think the heart mechanic can even fix that.
And just seeing those photos from the people I've crossed lives with, but don't know as well, of photos of people I DO KNOW, I am trying really, really hard not to bite and bruise my tongue literally, because it's a way for me to not cry too much. I'm just going to give up and back off for now. Let the person just come to you, whenever the need drives that person. I'm pretty sure I never did anything wrong, and if I did, it would have been pointed out to me a long time ago. And I can't live that long to make the same mistakes twice! But yeah, I'm just horribly frustrated, and I don't want to think about this way too much, because it always bothers me.
But lately or ever since the last half of this past summer, I kept myself extra busy---everything I do, it'll be a diversion from all sources of pain and depression. And so far, it has helped. I need to start worrying about myself more, because I sometimes forget to take care of myself when I worry about others...sometimes a bit more than I really need to.
Shall the word "jaded" be an appropriate word to the way I'm feeling right now? It could...more or less.
// rambled by A~Lotus at 1:50:00 AM
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© Kathy Nguyen, 2000-present.All rights reserved, unless if noted otherwise.
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