|
Rambles, ponderings, rants, and nonsense...
:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:
Tuesday, May 04, 2004
Heartbreak or Heartbeat?
I sometimes do not know how
to tell you that I miss you...
While I just long to hear Time,
breathing another moment
for the both of us, it feels
like I will never stop my
constant heartbeat for you, Love.
I sometimes wonder why I'm always the last to know things. Do people think I could just break that easily? I hate being the last person to know something, and maybe I can break easily... But that doesn't mean that I should be the last person to know something, especially when it's important. I hate it when people don't tell me these things in person. They just have to break my heart and make me cry over instant messenging or thru email. (In fact, it's not even over the phone!) Are they afraid to see me or hear me cry? Maybe they don't want to feel guilty, when they know they're in the wrong, if they do make me cry? I hate it when people delay the time when they're supposed to tell you something important right away. I hate it when people don't want to communicate---they don't want to talk thru things to clear out any misunderstandings or any ambiguity.
That's why even now, I still don't understand why my relationship with C was broken. All I know is that he broke it off over some lame excuse and made it seem like it was all my fault, even though he said it wasn't, but I still feel like I have to take some small parts of the blame. *sigh* I hate things, especially something like this, to confuse me. I hate being stuck in the middle of something I want to get out of or of something I want to understand.
May 2nd, Friday night---(the date was this past Sunday)---was actually the good ol' anniversary of the senior prom. Seeing C, with his arm wrapped around his new girlfriend, broke my heart. I should've never gone to that prom. It hurt so much. I cried in the restroom. I was glad that no one noticed. And it was a good thing I left early too. The aftermath was interesting. He said (over AIM) that he wanted to ask me to dance before I left, and I was thinking, "Yeah, right. You would only talk to me when your girlfriend isn't around. And how long would you wait to ask me to dance? Like, never??" Anyway, he said (over AIM), "Oh well, I guess I'll never get the chance."
And I was thinking, "Damn right, you won't. First, you broke off our relationship a couple of weeks before Christmas. Then you went out with someone else during that Christmas. Next, you were having major problems with your new girlfriend and then coming to me whining about it---wanting a sympathetic ear and knowing that I was one. And then you gave off ambiguous hints as if you wanted me back and tried to 'hang out' with me. And finally, you went to the prom with her, and do you know how long I was miserable?"
Arrghh... Even now, I'm still frustrated. I don't know whether if we are still friends or if we are somewhat mending our relationship whenever we see each other, because it had always ended up with some physical contact like a regular relationship would (i.e. holding hands, kissing, hugging, etc.). And that's why I'm frustrated, bitter, confused... Mostly, I hate him for breaking my heart, and yet loving him at the same time, because I've come to care about him and accepted him more than anyone has done (he did admit this too).
Well, that's the Cliff Notes version of me and C. And I'm just talking about it, because of May 2nd. I wish I knew where I fall in my relationship/friendship with C. That's why I hate being stuck in the middle.
Anyway, I have to get this paper done for English. Good ol' Hamlet. I'll post a happier post later, everyone! Sorry, for such a miserable post. I guess I'm just stressed out.
// rambled by A~Lotus at 2:30:00 PM
Atom Feed :||:
Back to the top
:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:
© Kathy Nguyen, 2000-present.All rights reserved, unless if noted otherwise.
Back to the top
:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:
Lotus Love...
Back to the top
:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:
© Kathy Nguyen, 2000-present.
All rights reserved, unless if noted otherwise.
|
|
