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Blog & Mini-Site... Rambles, ponderings, rants, and nonsense... :+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+: Friday, March 12, 2004 I tested the waters again... Taking a trip back to memory lane isn't always exciting nor is it that fun. Senior year in high school was the worst of any year---or maybe of all the years of my life. It's already frustrating with the fact that the Vanguard kids (the honors or the gifted and talented or the magnet or whatever you wanna call it) had to be transferred to a new campus, but the school administration was disorganized and was uncompromising with the faculty and students (and sometimes uncommunicative), good teachers had to be fired (one way or another), and everyone was under a lot of stress. So if anyone were to ask me which high school I went to, I have to hesitate and say that I went to 2 high schools, because the first high school did have a Vanguard program until everything went out of control and we were all shipped to a new campus which is dedicated solely to the "Vanguard program." And blah, I was more than thrilled to get out of that new campus (Class of '03). I was hoping for a nice senior year, but nope, I had enough of my share with pains and heartaches... But anyway, yesterday, I visited the campus, because I miss everyone---the teachers who were encouraging and some of my friends who are still there... It was nice seeing them again; I have to admit that much. And it was a promise that I have to keep as well, because I didn't think about ever stepping into that place again until one of my friends wanted me to come back and visit. And even now, I think it might be the very first and the last that I'll come back for a visit... I rather let all my pains be buried to a campus where nothing was going right than to carry it with me forever... If you ask me, I was much happier with the first high school despite the pathetic organization of it. The students were given many fee waivers and support with field trips and school activities and other things, but not at the campus where I was shipped to. Sure I was torn between being Vanguard and being regular, but most of my friends were in the Vanguard program and we've been together since junior high and I couldn't stay back--so I had to go. Even now, when I think about this, I wish I could've gone to another high school before all of this were to happen. Then, I wouldn't be in so much pain. Seriously, ever since senior year, nothing in my life was ever the same again... It has changed significantly, and what's worse is that I'm finding myself almost as fragile as a rose petal, emotionally, that is... And I'm still trying to remain strong. Sometimes I break---and cry for endless hours as I drift off to sleep. Anyway, yesterday, I had an argument with my mom. *sigh* I'm so tired of arguing and being absolutely frustrated. You know when you want to be young forever, but at the same time you want to grow up and not having any responsibilities? That's how I feel right now. I'm sick of being the oldest child---trying to be a good obedient daughter and at the same time, being the role model for my siblings. I just want to run out somewhere and scream all my heart out and run forever and be free... And I'm going to have to be nice to my mom again and try to get on her good side. I know she was really mad at me yesterday... *sigh* Sometimes, it seems like apathy can carry me so far to make me oblivious to pain, but at the same time, it makes me almost too insensitive or blunt and cold to those around me. I can't help it at times, but it's the only way for me to at least heal from my past pains (senior year of h.s.), and I'm still recovering. No one knows what I've been through though, not even my own family. It's only a few of my friends who knew what I've been through. And hell is a good description of it. Sometimes, I wonder what my own destiny is. It's really weird, but sometimes, I feel like I have this religious vocation calling out to me... Will I become a nun? I think that it's unlikely, because I want to be loved by a special someone, for it feels like I'm constantly in lack of it. And then again, it feels that I probably would become a nun, because I live a simple life (although it can be dramatic and hectic-filled) and I feel like I'm always alone---and sometimes I'm content being alone... *shrug* It's so confusing... I wish I knew what the future holds, but I don't... On a good note, I enjoyed reading a novel this past Spring Break. It's called Fever 1793 by Laurie Halse Anderson, and it is based on true U.S. history of the yellow fever epidemic in 1793. It's sad, but at the same time, inspires hope and courage. I recommend this book if you guys want to read it. It's not really long at all... like some 100-200 pages, I think... Well, I'm done with my ramblings. I feel a bit better doing so. I'm so glad today's Friday, but sad that my break is over and I have to be back at school... But then again, I think it's better if I'm back at school so that I can just have another life away from the craziness at home... Have a wonderful weekend everyone!!! // rambled by A~Lotus at 1:01:00 PM Atom Feed :||: Back to the top :+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+: © Kathy Nguyen, 2000-present. All rights reserved, unless if noted otherwise. Back to the top :+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+: Lotus Love... Back to the top :+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+: © Kathy Nguyen, 2000-present. All rights reserved, unless if noted otherwise.