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Blog & Mini-Site... Rambles, ponderings, rants, and nonsense... :+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+: Wednesday, February 11, 2004 Warning: Do not read! This is an entry for double entries for 2 consecutive days and may be a bit too exhausting to read anyway. My advice is to skim the parts you find interesting, for it incorporates both personal and hopefully, some things that may touch the funny bone to your amusement. Otherwise, I'm not forcing anyone to read this entry in its entirety. 2.10.04 later in the day entry: Well, I knew that last week was a horrible week cuz today, I just got back some assignments and I did horribly. =( *cry and sigh* Argh. Anyway, I'm going to have to work harder and pull those grades up to make up for the loss of points. It's been one lousy week anyhow. And at least this week is somewhat mediocre, even though there are slightly "having-a-bad-day" moments in between. Geez, this month is really killing me. Anyway, I just ate this Vietnamese sweet white rice cake, and it looks and feels like a sponge. Hey, I was starving by the time I got home from school today. It's one heck of a week in fact. It's been raining horribly! Now I wonder how you people who live in snowy places deal with the difficulties of driving a vehicle around in snow!! It's horrible with rain down here in Houston!! You gotta watch out for floody places and whatnot. AIM. Hmm, I haven't the slightest idea when was the last time I was on. Come to think of it, I sorta stopped using all instant messengers: Yahoo, MSN, and AIM. Why? I don't know. I guess I've lost the heart to even bother logging in and all. *sigh* It's almost the same for me with losing heart in love. Sometimes, it seems like apathy is another way for me to be oblivious to what's happening around me. This helps lessening pain in great measures. Well, I'm going to submit some poems to the Laurels (UST's literary magazine) this week before Val's Day. I can't wait to get some feedback! I just hope my poems are approved as college-level status. I know there are many people out there who write extremely well, maybe so much better than I can; but I always try, because all I know is that my style of writing has matured greatly over the years. I'm beginning to lose interest in bio lab. I guess it's because so many people have either failed the class or are in different bio lab sections; and so most people I know aren't in my class. =( And for like 2 weeks in a row already, I came to class late. But today, I came awfully late to class---like five minutes later. That's really bad, because that isn't me. I'm usually never late to class. I don't know. I guess I'm not as motivated or as excited to go to a bio lab class anymore like I was last semester. I guess I'm not fond of this semester's lab instructor as much. She's a yawn, and the class is like a haunted cave of insanely boring half-dead people---like zombies. I can't wait until this semester is over. I'll be so glad to get out of that lab, but first things first, I gotta worry about actually passing that class. Argh. I don't know what came over me. Maybe I can't learn to let things go. I'm actually that stubborn in that sense. I won't budge when it comes to letting people go, especially someone you really learn to love and care about. And yesterday, out of the blue, I just made an early birthday e-card for my first intimate beau. How stupid is that? *sigh* I just wish I could have the things I long to have, but I'm letting it come to me now. I've stopped searching so long ago. And all I know is that Time makes things a stranger to me, and I just can't let that appall me. I'm letting things gradually flow, while I gradually adjust to changes. I am in desperate need of sleep, but for days now, I've been awake to finish homework, projects, and study for quizzes and exams. I wouldn't mind an uneventful week of purely sleep and curling up reading a good novel or listening to music. Ah, how soothing is that? Well, time for me to end my entry here. I'm going to start studying for my psych exam. <3<3<3<3 Peace, love, and laughter! <3<3<3<3 *blink, blink* Hmm, it's almost 1am, and I'm still not asleep. Well, I've just been thinking about a few... things actually. Either I'm a nervous wreck at heart or just simply a raging passionate fireball that's about to explode and become a black hole in the universe. *sigh* I don't know which, but I could be both. Love is such a degrading substance, and yet it can be nurturing once it is held fast onto a person. I should stop feeling sorry for myself, stop crying about someone else, and just simply stop everything after all. But can I possibly stop? How can I possibly stop? I can only go and wonder and figure out the answers to myself. In mostly all cases, I'm my own problem-solver. Maybe we should all do that---becoming our own problem-solvers, because the world can't just look after you all the time. We have to take matters into our own hands and put effort in it to let things work. Well, signing off for now. I'm going to read from The Canterbury Tales before really getting myself to bed; besides, I have an 8am class tomorrow. *yawn* Hopefully, I'll be awake... 2.9.04 entry Biology---was an early Monday morning sleepy class. And the prof told us not to come to class this Wednesday if we don't want to, but I'd want to, because I really want to pass the exam this Friday. Chem---Another lecture, with a class activity on some problems from the book. Yeah, calculators can be pretty convenient. However, the prof was disappointed with the quiz grades. Yeah, I almost passed, but didn't because I didn't think logically with one of the multiple choice questions that I could've gotten right. Oh well, at least the prof only takes the average of the highest 6 quizzes or something, which is okay. English---class debate on the "Wife of Bath Prologue" from The Canterbury Tales. Interesting, but I didn't feel like participating, because I was already worn out with bio and chem. Oh, but before that, I've turned in my paper that I was working on Sunday night. Hehe. =P And we took a good ol' quiz. *yawn* Then, two hours worth of nothing to do, which is good for me, because I get to just let my brain chill. Went to the comp lab and blogged, checked email, etc. And I found out that another UST student also has a blog---right here on Blogspot! So say hi to Josh, you guys!! =) Ah, I love people who have such an interesting sense of humor. Makes everyone's day a lot sillier! Chem lab was rather exhausting today. We did the same procedures last week, but except that we were given an unknown solution, and you have to go through the centrifuging, Bunsen burning, and mixing solutions steps in order to find out if your unknown solution has lead, copper, bismuth, cadmium, or tin. The good thing about the chem lab this semester is that you get a chance to admire the color changes! It's awesome, but still exhausting. Some interesting, yet personal stuff: a) Yeah, I do know that Valentine's Day is coming 'round the corner and all, but today was a weird day. During the 2-hour break I had today, I went to the library so I could meet my friend so that we can over the chem lab procedures. Anyway, along the way as I was heading over there, this guy was asking me if I was interested in purchasing(?) a "Musical Valentine," who could sing or play an instrument for you and your significant other on Valentine's Day or something like that. He was with this other girl standing behind a table---and I'm supposing they're doing these little Valentine activities on behalf of the clubs at UST. Anyway, I was barely paying attention, knowing that I was a bit too preoccupied with other things, but I told him that I wasn't interested. And here's how the conversation went: Guy: Well, you could do this for your special someone. Any particular guy you know? Me: Umm, no, I'm sorry. (a horribly long hesitation which probably lasted like 15 seconds) No, I don't have anyone special at the moment. Guy: Well then, here's your chance to meet someone. Me: Umm, no, it's okay. But maybe I'll think about it. (walks off at a fast pace) Well, love is just another faraway subject for me now. Yes, I crave for it daily and with every moment there is. Love---it's just another addiction to passion and romanticism flowing through my veins. I need to breathe it like oxygen, just letting it fuse within the lungs and heart. I need it to function. I need it so much. And yet, when I think about it, everything in the past just seems so imaginary, so surreal, and so unreal even. It's almost as if I'd never known the meaning or even experienced the feeling of love itself. And why is it now that it's another faraway intangible substance for me? Sometimes, I feel as if it's always been taken away from me, letting me fall in stupor into deep depression and frustration and confusion. Then, apathy is my escapism---like my bliss, numbing me and fooling me into thinking that love is a counterfeit of happiness. And I live neither in depression nor in happiness. I live in the contentment of loneliness, if that makes any sense. I'm used to being alone, yet ironically, I have enough friends to last me for an entire lifetime or maybe more. But maybe what I lack is someone who's close to me enough to completely understand me, someone who would love me and never judge me and accepts me for who I am, despite my weaknesses or flaws. And yeah, it tends to lie on the opposite sex, because I already have enough female confidants, and I just want to see a different view, you know? *sigh* But overall, I'm afraid. I've tried my best to let love come to me. I've tried opening my heart, but it gets smashed every time. *gulps* I... I just don't think I'm ready for love now. Maybe I never was ready, and that's why I feel as if I'm at fault in every relationship. *shrug* At times, I puzzle myself over the concepts of love, viewing at every single angle there is---but it still doesn't make any sense. And maybe some people are right. Maybe I do need to lighten up. Maybe I need to stop taking life so seriously or love too seriously. *shrug* I don't know. Like the unknown solution in chem lab today, I just feel like my mind is a mush of substances I'll never be able to figure out. All I can do is to keep running through the procedures in the experiment to find out what they are. And as for Val's Day, I'll take a rain check anytime. It's another year worth of heartaches for me, and I rather not think about it now. All I know is that the so-called Hallmark sweetheart love that is conjured on this day and flows around like an epidemic just makes me feel even more crushed and a bit nauseated. For a few years now, Val's Day's pretty much been a total living hell horror for me. That's why I loathe it so much. Guys, if you're gonna make a girl happy, at least give things to her on other days, because it makes it more meaningful than to have Val's Day as the official reminder day, ya know? It puts too much pressure on the guys... And girls, at times, it's better to spend time with your gal pals on this day than to spend it with your sweetie. Why? It's because we share the womanly/feminine bond that holds us all together. Now can you think of times or situations when guys ever had that (besides the good old bachelor's party, which doesn't count)? We gals put together an all-nighter anytime of the year if we have to! And this works especially well if you're lonely or don't have a significant other, per se. And if you're wondering where I got this source of info, it's from this online article by an experienced love expert, which I've read several years ago. Creepy how my brain holds up so many miscellaneous or even outrageous data that have at least some value every so once in a while... Reality check: No, I'm not going to hang out with my gal pals this year like I did the other years (well, really I've hung out with them a day before or the day after Val's Day), because it's my sister's birthday. Now, how horrible is that? Her birthday is on Val's Day. Yuck! *vomits* But on the brighter note, I put the advice above to the test and it worked for the most part. Sometimes, when you're hanging out with your best gal friends, you've learned a whole lot about them in one day than just seeing them 1 week at school! Anyway, I'll end there seeing that this entry is terribly lengthy. Hey, I'm known for long entries and even long emails. I can go on rambling! But the bottom line is that I'm a writer/poet at heart, no matter how much I want to overwrite that or just deny that. Although I still want to go to med school, I know that my spirit in writing will never die; it just won't leave me, even if I tried to stop writing for a month. Ciao! Avec d'amour. <3 // rambled by A~Lotus at 1:25:00 AM Atom Feed :||: Back to the top :+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+: © Kathy Nguyen, 2000-present. All rights reserved, unless if noted otherwise. Back to the top :+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+: Lotus Love... Back to the top :+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+: © Kathy Nguyen, 2000-present. All rights reserved, unless if noted otherwise.