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Rambles, ponderings, rants, and nonsense...
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Sunday, February 15, 2004
2.15.04, 9:16pm entry:
I didn't go to Thieu Nhi today. 1/3 feels like I didn't belong, the other 1/3 feels like I'm about to break apart when I am in desperate need to heal, and the last 1/3 of me is that I have a lot of schoolwork to do. When I got there just to pick up my 2 sisters, An just came out and said, "Hey Kathy, why don't you come anymore? It's not fun without you." *blink, blink* I really have nothing to say after that. In fact, I was lost for words. All I could stutter was, "Aww, I'm sorry, An. I've been too busy lately." To me, I think that excuse was lame and sounded somewhat stupid. But what am I supposed to say? I don't get it. In fact, it seems to me that everywhere I go nowadays, I seem to garner more unpleasant memories just adding to my neverending list of heartaches and pains. And I want to run from it all, run and never look back.
And I feel like I'm forever running away from everything. Maybe I am. I don't know. As much as I hate confrontations of all sorts, I try to face them as much as I can. But then again, at the same time, I also feel like I'm running away from my own problems, maybe even my own life. I don't even know when was the last time I was smiling and was happy. Is happiness such a thing? I can only rely on hope. Faith seems to be diminishing, for it seems as if I'm forever pessimistic. And love, well, although it's one of those good old virtues of human existence, I feel as if I always and constantly lack this even more than the other two. I guess hope can somehow bring me peace to my very wounded soul... for now. And maybe I can find the other two... someday.
At times, it feels like I have amnesia. It feels like I'd never known what faith was, especially love. It feels like I've never experienced any of it. I'm confused and absolutely vulnerable to what it seems like almost everything.
Teach me how to not love you, and then maybe I'll learn how to let you go.
P.S. Remind me to post another personal entry on here later. I think you guys might find it interesting, and besides, I need to rant so I could figure out some things for myself anyway. *hugs* You guys are the best!!! =)
// rambled by A~Lotus at 10:05:00 PM
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© Kathy Nguyen, 2000-present.All rights reserved, unless if noted otherwise.
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Lotus Love...
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© Kathy Nguyen, 2000-present.
All rights reserved, unless if noted otherwise.
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