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Blog & Mini-Site... Rambles, ponderings, rants, and nonsense... :+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+: Saturday, February 28, 2004 2.27.04 entry: In the early years of high school, I had a dream that I was a suicide-bomber. No, not the crazy, voluntary, intentional, self-conscious suicide-bomber, who put his life at stake, when he killed the innocent civilians at the WTC on 9/11, but totally the opposite kind. In this dream, I was born with the bomb already activated and growing inside of me. And no, I didn't want to die nor did I want to take anyone's lives. But the strange thing was that I kept running around frantically, trying to escape from Jones (High School) and trying to find a place where I wouldn't hurt anyone else. But I was trapped, for all the doors were locked. I tried explaining to everyone that I wouldn't explode, but everyone wouldn't even come within a foot in diameter near me. I was hurt, emotionally and physically, because I wasn't able to get near enough to others around me to tell them that my life would end soon after I (me as the bomb) would go off and to even get some assurance through a mere touch, like a hug, for example. But in this case, if anyone tried to even touch me through any means (even a hug), I would explode then and there, and that would be the end of me or anyone else for that matter. The ending? Here's what happened: I finally gave up hope, for I was down to the last remaining 10 seconds of my life. I told C. that I cared about him and loved him more than I could ever tell him. He insisted that he wanted a last hug from me before I leave, but I protested, saying that if he did even touch me, his life would end as well, and I couldn't let that happen. I was torn to pieces and in tears, crying hysterically. But for some strange reason, I gave him that hug he requested, and to my surprise, he didn't explode. Now I was down to my last 5 seconds. And my heart thumped horribly, for I could hear it rushing and screaming through my ears like the sirens on those firetrucks... I finally then went to the school gym... and BOOM! I exploded. Blood covered the entire gym floor, and all that was left of me were endles puddles of blood. The aftermath? Fortunately, everything was okay. No one got hurt. Even the school didn't get blown up. But me, I was a goner. That was my funeral, and that was when I woke up, noticing that my pillow was soaked with tears... I shuddered and everything around me felt chilly and damp... Now today, I'm in another shock. This is another dream I had last night, as in my early years of college, if I were to look back at this years later to even comment about this. Last night, I had a dream that I was some spiritual/human being---like in some transitional form of half-alive, half-dead kind of person. (No, I was NOT a zombie.) I ran around to countless of places (I'm pretty sure these were in Houston), and they were all a blur to me. All I could remember after waking up was that I was ignored, abandoned, and terribly alone. Yes, I was shown who my true friends were, but the other half, whom I was trying to talk to, totally ignored me like they can't really see me (and I was a half-spirit anyway). I cried and wanted to reach out to them, but couldn't, because they were all distant from me (yes, even distant, as in out of Houston/Texas distant). I was like some shadow about to fade and merge with the surroundings around me. I was like the omniscient, except that I wasn't all-powerful. I was an observant, just seeing things go about as normally as it could go, but I wasn't active, intermingling with the people in this dream. And C., who meant so much to me, was there. And sadly, he fell into the second group of people, who didn't care about me, ignored me, and acted as if I didn't even exist (and in some ways, I really wasn't, because I'm only half-spirit). There were also a few others who were the same way as well, who meant so much to me. After the last scene faded away, I woked up, startled, and felt like crying, but couldn't. I was numbed, but I knew that this dream was the matured version of my other dream back in high school (the suicide-bomber one), and that it basically meant the same thing. After brushing my damp hair and then grabbing my books and car keys and running out of the house, I cried for a few minutes... Now as I'm writing this, I can come up with hundreds of interpretations to these 2 dreams, for the parallelism between the two is so apparent, yet frightening and painful. True friends will be your outer family. Keep loving, even if things seem hopeless. You are not alone, abandoned, or ignored. Do not worry so much about the people who have no hearts; they care only about themselves. Be strong. Always. Home is not where the heart is; it is hope that does more. Take a breath and close your eyes. Relax and let things flow. You will see that the people, who care more about you and love you, will be willing to do things for you, be with you even through the times you may need them the most, and would want to always have you in their lives and won't ever regret meeting you. Well, and that's that. I'm okay now, everyone. Just a bit unstable in a lot of sense. Sometimes, I don't even know where I should place my heart to so that I won't get hurt. But I won't give up---the love and the longing in me for others are too strong, and I'll never let them go. As for the suicide-bomber dream, I give it a rating of M, if it is made for a video game, because it's like an RPG game, with me running around... As for this recent dream, I'm not sure which is worst: me being a spirit, or me being human... I guess I don't know what to say on this as of yet. As for love, sometimes, strong feelings don't ever change; it remains constant---like a photograph, capturing the frozen part of that moment, which won't ever alter. As for life, we'll see what happens next---one day at a time. And as for dreams, they'll never cease to fascinate me. // rambled by A~Lotus at 2:46:00 PM Atom Feed :||: Back to the top :+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+: © Kathy Nguyen, 2000-present. All rights reserved, unless if noted otherwise. Back to the top :+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+: Lotus Love... Back to the top :+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+: © Kathy Nguyen, 2000-present. All rights reserved, unless if noted otherwise.