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Blog & Mini-Site... Rambles, ponderings, rants, and nonsense... :+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+: Sunday, January 25, 2004 multiple entries... 1/25/04, 4:53 pm Well, I just barely came home from Thieu Nhi’s Tet celebration today in the church’s parish hall. My gosh, maybe it’s just me, but I never felt so horribly empty and lonely like I did today, and it’s rather frightening to me. But then, I’m always lonely no matter how many friends I have. . . *sigh* And besides, I still felt out of place today too---almost as if I’m ignored. Seriously, sometimes I have no idea where I belong anymore. Is there something wrong with me? Or is there something wrong with people? Sometimes, I can only look up to Mary, the Virgin Mother of God, and I get a reminder that I am “blessed”---that I’m her blessed child, because I was named after her---she’s my patron saint literally. I feel as if more things will fall apart soon, and there will more sacrifices I have to make, even though I don’t want to. *sigh* I just wish I knew what I’m supposed to be doing. I just wish I can have the things I treasure so much come back to me. . . I just don’t know how to move on, and be strong. . . I’ve been doing that for so long now, and I feel as if I’m about to give up and surrender out of frustration and disappointment. I don’t know how to start over. I can’t. I’m tired of starting over. I’m tired of rebuilding the things I’ve worked so hard on and put my heart into. . . And then, I saw my special friend today walking and talking and smiling with his other friend, or at least I think it’s him. *sigh* I have so much to tell him, but I feel like I’m not a part of his life anymore---nor am I that important to say the least. It’s this crazy longing for a strong friendship that just isn’t there or just doesn’t want to develop. And it hurts. So much. So much, that I’ve been forever crying to myself without others knowing. I just wish I knew what I’m supposed to be doing. If I knew, then maybe I wouldn’t be this sad all the time. . . But no matter what, it seems like I’m always my own psychologist. 1/25/04, 1:29 pm I have no idea why I’m nervous now. Maybe it’s because I haven’t been to Thieu Nhi in so long? I don’t know. I just feel all out of place lately. I could feel my own heart thumping wildly, and I have no idea why. I just took about a 2-hour nap a while ago, and that was because my head started to hurt and I was tired and I needed sleep. *sigh* Chemistry lab will just be a major pain this year. And it’s a good thing I passed Chem Lab 1341 last year by a C+. *shudder* Otherwise, I heard lots of people failing that class. We had a pretty good professor, but since there weren’t enough lab assistants, there was a change of faculty around and stuff, and it kinda messed things up a bit. And besides, most of the students felt really intimidated by the last prof that we had. He’s a really funny guy, but the way he talks makes you cringe at times, but he’s a pretty good prof as far as teaching goes. Ah well. At least I passed that class, but I just feel it’s kinda weird that I did so well in the Chem Lecture instead. *shrug* But just for a food for thought, I’m not ever going to major in chemistry anyway!! I’m pretty sure that I’m going to definitely major in psych. I love that class so far. And I love biology too, but I’m not sure if I’ll get a chance to major in that subject, even though I love it so much. *sigh* We’ll see how well I do this semester. Besides, I don’t have to declare a major until sophomore year. I really can’t wait for the new episode of Tru Calling this week. I think it’s so much better than Smallville, probably because it deals with murder, detective, mystery, forensics, and medical stuff. And Smallville, eh. . . no wonder, it’s the modern version of Superman, which is okay for the most part, but it’s not really that appealing to me. . . Well, in about 15 minutes or so, I’ll be entertained by Thieu Nhi’s performances for the Chinese New Year, or Tet (in Vietnamese). They needed me to dance and all, but I’m busy all this week, so I didn’t go to practice yesterday. And guess what? I’m going to bring my homework over to the church and study, while taking pictures of the performances! Am I crazy? Yeah, I guess I am. That’s how ambitiously crazy I am to get my GPA to an A! And besides, right now, I’m puzzling over the weird chem lab guide book. Argghh!! I have lots of reading to do!! And I’m gonna bug my friend to see what is it that we need to study for and if we need to bring anything for our lab tomorrow. *sigh* Gotta make phone calls later. Cya! And I might write later or some time this week if I’m not so busy---or if I’m not so bored. . . =P 1/24/04, 5:07 pm I just checked my Hotmail account, and I’m somewhat relieved and sad to delete all of the emails that meant so much to me from that certain someone from the past. I guess maybe it’s time for me to just let things go, because pain is my life basically. I mean, as much as I don’t want to, it seems as if nothing will go back to the way I want them to be. *sigh* But if I want everyone to be happy, then I should give myself a chance to be happy as well, even though it’s so hard for me. I’m still trying to learn. . . Other than that, I’ve also deleted some old messages and little folders and in general, just trying to get ready to shut down my Hotmail account, seeing I’ve abandoned that place for a long while now. It’s funny: I’ve just realized that I’m all over cyberspace, but I’m deleting myself off from email accounts and forums and stuff, because I’m kinda tired of trying to keep track of them, because I have more than enough. *shrug* That’s why I’m cutting down to the things I do use more frequently---then, I won’t drive myself crazy. =P Oh yeah, it’s the same for Geocities, too. I haven’t been doing anything to my website, even though I should---I’m rebuilding it from scratch, but so far, I’m more into blogging! Well, enough for now! I’ve got homework to do! // rambled by A~Lotus at 5:08:00 PM Atom Feed :||: Back to the top :+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+: © Kathy Nguyen, 2000-present. All rights reserved, unless if noted otherwise. Back to the top :+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+: Lotus Love... Back to the top :+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+: © Kathy Nguyen, 2000-present. All rights reserved, unless if noted otherwise.