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Blog & Mini-Site... Rambles, ponderings, rants, and nonsense... :+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+: Sunday, January 11, 2004 January 11, 2004 *coughs* I still have this fever. I want to cry. It hurts too much to even focus. I can’t even think, much less do anything. And hah, I’m driving too. That’s ironic there. Well, at least a fever is better than a headache, because then, I’d be too dizzy to even do anything if I do have a headache. . . *just imagine me stagger like a drunkard, then you’ll understand what I mean (when I do have a headache, that is)* Anyway, as usual, this whole week had been really agonizing for me. I’m torn apart horribly, and I just wish I could fix myself before I really break apart. I’d already broken apart last year already---having so many thoughts and attempts of suicide (I’m probably about 60% near it anyhow). But no one knows---not even my family, only very few people. . . I know I shouldn’t be going near suicide and all, but sometimes I can’t help it. I hate how my life feels as if it’s so messed up, and I feel as if everything I want to have or everything I want to live for, it’s just. . . somehow taken away from me, or I lose it one way or another. I don’t know, but all I felt like doing today was just simply cry. I can’t do this. How long am I supposed to be alone like this? And when I need someone just for a bit, I somehow have to lose them? Why? And yeah, I’m pretty good at fake smiles, and I did a whole bunch of fake smiles today at Thieu Nhi. It’s a good thing that barely anyone noticed; all they know is that I’m sick. Yes, I’m sick---sick with the flu, but what they don’t know is that I’m also sick at the heart. I hate it when I’m trying to understand what my parents are trying to tell me, and they treat you as if you’re disobedient to them. I hate it when I’m trying to not be so annoyed with my siblings, and they run all over you. I hate it when you want friends, when it seems like no one wants to understand how you really are---and at times, they act so self-centered. And I hate it when I try to show how much I care to someone whom I really love, and they just go away. . . I give up. *cry* I give up. I'm always lonely. I wonder how I'll survive for this semester. . . But I know one thing though: once I see Huyen when school rolls around, I'll run to her and cry on her shoulders. And maybe, I won't stop crying for a while anyway. . . In that case, I'll be crying for a long while. . . And if anyone asks me how I'm doing, I'll be saying that I'm okay and fine, when really inside, I'm crying and hurting and aching with pain. . . I know I can't be perfect, but I hate it when everyone expects so much from you, and I'm trying my best to make everyone happy, and I just can't. And so I cry. I just don't even know what I need or want anymore. I can't have anything anyway. And maybe if I die, I won't have to suffer anymore. . . 1/10/04, 2:05pm entry And I seem to need another chance or maybe another life rather. . . Sometimes I don’t feel like living, and I just want to do nothing, but sleep. It’s no wonder people say that sleep is the next thing to death, for it makes the human unconscious, oblivious, or unaware of the world around them. That is why everyone uses sleep to escape from pain, pressure, and stress. Sleep gives the human many opportunities to create a free world of their own; hence, these become dreams when one is asleep. For now, I’m miserable. I have this terrible fever that comes and goes, and I’m crying a whole lot inside, and it hurts. This has been one miserable week for me. . . I hope you catch me when I fall. And when I cry, Or when I’m hurt, Please hold me forever, For I need you Always. And I hope you’d always be with me. // rambled by A~Lotus at 5:15:00 PM Atom Feed :||: Back to the top :+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+: © Kathy Nguyen, 2000-present. All rights reserved, unless if noted otherwise. Back to the top :+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+: Lotus Love... Back to the top :+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+: © Kathy Nguyen, 2000-present. All rights reserved, unless if noted otherwise.