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Rambles, ponderings, rants, and nonsense...
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Thursday, January 08, 2004
1/8/04 entry:
Sometimes, I just want to close my eyes and think that the world is happy and everything is okay, but when I open my eyes again, I just see the sadness that always swallow me whole, and I'm afraid to open my eyes again... More than anything, I want a special friend, but it looks like I won't. Aside from that, I feel much more lonelier than ever. I'm glad it's after midnight, but it's just the very early breaks of another day, but I can't seem to stop myself from crying. I wish someone would understand how much love hurts a lot for me. I've been trying so hard to recover, and now my wounds seem to re-open itself to freshness, and I know that I'll be depressed for a while... *cry*
1/7/04 entry:
Well, I just had a hot bath---just so I can scald myself to death or maybe it was more of an attempt to scald all of my pain away. And I’m in another miserable state once again. I’m horribly numb and speechless, worn out and hurt, like I always am. I must be the most depressed person ever in this world. I’m always the one hurting, rejected, tossed out, heartbroken. . . Sometimes I even wonder if I’ll ever be happy again, and it seems like I’ll never be. *cry*
I thought I would feel better today too. I’m happy that I’m not that sick anymore, but it turned out that now I’m feeling much worse. So now, my nose is running and still stuffy, and my eyes are watery. . . mostly from crying.
And it’s a good thing that when I cry, barely anyone knows. I have silent tears, but my tears do run down my cheeks and into my hands. I remember making a flood one time with my crying--- I think it was my homework or something or a whole lot of things that got really soaked. . . Now, I’m not even sure how I’m supposed to handle this.
I guess the only thing I can do now is just to put on a smiley face like I always do, and pretend that I’m happy, when inside, I’m always depressed, scared, and hurting terribly. And I hate that so much. I want to be happy for once, and smile, and truly mean it. I hate faking to the world that I’m sincerely smiling, when all I feel like doing is crying.
It always seems so impossible. Like some faraway fairy tale-like dream or something, and what’s happening now seems impossible and fake, but it’s really real, really happening. Those are the words I’ve seen and registered in my head once I’ve read them off the screen.
Somehow, my worst fears are always loneliness and abandonment disguised in various assortments of situations. I get those two all the time, and all I can do is cry. Wrap into myself even more like a trapped pre-butterfly in a cocoon. Cry some more.
And as usual, I’m lonely. My special friend rejected me. . .
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I’ve just finished dinner. Was surprised how hungry I was. Being sick has its own strangeness to appetite changes. At times, I can be ravenous, and other times, I can just eat meagerly.
I can’t even think now. . . And I wish I could just go back to school now, so I can have at least something major big thing to do---like homework or something to get my mind off of depressing things like this.
I stopped crying for a bit, but I know I’ll start crying again in my sleep or right before I fall asleep. *sigh* And then again, I’ll be crying for the next few weeks or months, like I did before.
It’s a wonder how Huyen and I are so much alike. In between classes, we’d always go off somewhere and hang out in the gym or the library for a bit and talk and have fun. It’s so weird how we’re always the ones getting rejected and dumped, and we went to crazy extremes like suicidal attempts and what not, except that she’s more extreme than I am, because I can strangely, somehow, keep myself sane. And sometimes I think I may need to go to a therapist, but I’m my own therapist no matter what.
For now, I can only pray---praying for strength to help me get through this, and not do anything stupid. Praying for the love in me to not crumple, but would suffice me in the future, because I know I would always need it. Need it terribly for me to hold together not only my friends and family, but maybe I’m saving it mostly for that special someone who would love me just the same. And maybe I hope that day will come, and I hope it comes naturally and truly. For now, I can only wait in anguish and probably a passionate desire that I cannot withstand, for it only throbs painfully and is a wound that will never heal. . .
// rambled by A~Lotus at 12:21:00 AM
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© Kathy Nguyen, 2000-present.All rights reserved, unless if noted otherwise.
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